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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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‘Polar Vortex’ To Be Replaced By ‘Pollen Vortex’

Allergists are warning that because this winter’s harsh “polar vortex” has delayed spring temperatures, many plants will release pollen simultaneously when warm weather finally breaks, creating a “pollen vortex” that could severely affect those with allergies. What do you think?

  • “I wish we’d get a good vortex for a change.”

    James Wiley Relish Maker
  • “I’m sure allergy sufferers will bear this hardship with their usual stoicism.”

    Chris Mazzei Rigging Slinger
  • “Oh boy, I hope I don’t accidentally say ‘polar vortex’ when I really mean ‘pollen vortex.’”

    Peggy Piotroski Law Clerk

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