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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home

Following allegations last week that Justin Bieber threw eggs at a neighbor’s house, police raided the teen pop idol’s Calabasas mansion yesterday morning. What do you think?

  • “That will teach him not to waste food.”

    Blake Caso Laboratory Assistant
  • “Seems like only yesterday Justin was a fresh-faced, inordinately famous, deeply disturbed 15-year-old.”

    Bart Lambert Lacquerer
  • “Overcoming such adversity will only make his art even stronger.”

    Kelly Hirschfeld Systems Analyst

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