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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home

Following allegations last week that Justin Bieber threw eggs at a neighbor’s house, police raided the teen pop idol’s Calabasas mansion yesterday morning. What do you think?

  • “That will teach him not to waste food.”

    Blake Caso Laboratory Assistant
  • “Seems like only yesterday Justin was a fresh-faced, inordinately famous, deeply disturbed 15-year-old.”

    Bart Lambert Lacquerer
  • “Overcoming such adversity will only make his art even stronger.”

    Kelly Hirschfeld Systems Analyst

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