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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Politicians Arrested For Plot To Rig NYC Mayoral Election

A Democratic state senator and Republican city councilman were arrested today on charges they planned to rig the upcoming mayoral election in New York by bribing the city’s top GOP leaders to allow the Democrat to run as the Republican nominee. What do you think?

  • “For punishment, I think they should elect him mayor of New York.”

    Tate Diehl Unemployed
  • “It’s refreshing to see a politician willing to reach across party lines to get things done.”

    Linda Sebek Feather Trimmer
  • “This just goes to show that you can’t buy political office. Unless of course they hadn’t been caught, in which case they would have done exactly that.”

    Jonathan Mayo Shipping Clerk

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