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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Poll: 86% Of NFL Players Okay With Gay Teammate

ESPN conducted a poll of current NFL players regarding their thoughts on having a gay teammate and found that out of the 51 respondents, 86 percent don’t care about their teammates’ sexual orientation. What do you think?

  • “The NFL is basically Europe in a lot of ways.”

    Don Woodvine Ice Cutter
  • “Wow, it takes strength to stand up and say ‘I don’t care’ like that.”

    Marybeth Glover Field Producer
  • “Man, the brain damage has really gotten to them.”

    Griffin Schofield Organic Farmer

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