Poll: Elite Colleges Don’t Produce Happier Graduates

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Vol 50 Issue 18

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Poll: Elite Colleges Don’t Produce Happier Graduates

According to a new Gallup poll, going to a highly selective university doesn’t lead to being happier in life, with survey results indicating that students who forge connections with inspiring professors are likelier to be happier and more engaged workers. What do you think?

  • “Just tell me what to do and where to go to guarantee happiness forever.”

    Dan Blythe
    Halogen Lamp Assembler
  • “Yeah, like I’ll really believe a poll from those state-school morons over at Gallup.”

    Claire Taylor
    Glass Blowing Instructor
  • “Is there no joy in this world for the privileged?”

    Mitch Considine
    Systems Analyst
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