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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Poll: Elite Colleges Don’t Produce Happier Graduates

According to a new Gallup poll, going to a highly selective university doesn’t lead to being happier in life, with survey results indicating that students who forge connections with inspiring professors are likelier to be happier and more engaged workers. What do you think?

  • “Just tell me what to do and where to go to guarantee happiness forever.”

    Dan Blythe Halogen Lamp Assembler
  • “Yeah, like I’ll really believe a poll from those state-school morons over at Gallup.”

    Claire Taylor Glass Blowing Instructor
  • “Is there no joy in this world for the privileged?”

    Mitch Considine Systems Analyst
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