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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Poll: Majority Would Back Hillary Clinton In 2016

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would garner the support of 57 percent of Americans—66 percent of women and 49 percent of men—if she chose to run for president in 2016, according to a new poll. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know—do you think she really wants the job?”

    Dick Ives Systems Analyst
  • “Women are too emotional for the job. She’d probably pardon, like, every single turkey at Thanksgiving.”

    Morris Woodlock Floor Layer
  • “So it’s decided, then: Hilary Clinton and Marco Rubio for the presidential nominees. That cut out a lot of needless work. Okay, see you in 2016!”

    Lisa Strickland Medical Librarian

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