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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan

Six of the nations that produce the highest volume of greenhouse gases have endorsed a voluntary plan that will reduce emissions 30 percent by 2050. What do you think?
  • "I think this is all a ploy for those polluters to get a chance to meet Ed Begley Jr."

    Camille Garcia Systems Analyst
  • "Now that the big guns are taking some responsibility, I won't feel so bad dumping this chlorine out by the quarry."

    Steve Keane Baker
  • "To do their part, India is eliminating its fuel-guzzling, dioxide-emitting elephants by 2010."

    Howard Finster Limnologist

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