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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan

Six of the nations that produce the highest volume of greenhouse gases have endorsed a voluntary plan that will reduce emissions 30 percent by 2050. What do you think?
  • "I think this is all a ploy for those polluters to get a chance to meet Ed Begley Jr."

    Camille Garcia Systems Analyst
  • "Now that the big guns are taking some responsibility, I won't feel so bad dumping this chlorine out by the quarry."

    Steve Keane Baker
  • "To do their part, India is eliminating its fuel-guzzling, dioxide-emitting elephants by 2010."

    Howard Finster Limnologist

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