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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Pollution Could Pose Greater Risk For Obesity

A Beijing study found that the effects of heavily polluted air on the city’s rat population included greater risk for diabetes and obesity, suggesting humans are similarly affected by pollution. What do you think?

  • “Looks like the science is really stacking up in favor of breathable air.”

    George Knight Boxing Historiographer
  • “It’s downright shameful that we’re only concerned about rat health for purely selfish reasons.”

    Nicole Pittman Skirt Hemmer
  • “My own rat experiments have produced similar results.”

    Thad Davidoff Beard Sculptor
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