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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Poor Diet May Cause Alzheimer’s

A growing body of research suggests that an unhealthy diet reduces the natural level of insulin in the brain, which, in turn, may cause the neurodegenerative disease Alzheimer’s, prompting some doctors to begin referring to the condition as “type 3 diabetes.” What do you think?

  • “Permanently forgetting your problems through binge eating? I can’t imagine a more desirable process.”

    Fred Tager Carpet Salesman
  • “That makes sense. I’ve eaten four packages of hot dogs this week, and I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

    Liz Martorano Gluing Machine Adjuster
  • “Let the search for type 4 diabetes commence!”

    Clement Valcarce Duck Farmer
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