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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Pope Apologizes To Muslims

Pope Benedict has apologized for offending Muslims in a speech he gave in Germany last week. What do you think?
  • "Geez, I wonder what the Pope is like when he's not apologizing."

    Nadine Fitzpatrick Operator
  • "Am I the only one who's surprised the Pope had to go back seven whole centuries to find a Catholic anti-Muslim quote?"

    Lyle Anderson Electrician
  • "The sad part is his apology came verbatim from the medieval text, 'How To Pacify The Savage Arab.'"

    Jim Farrell Systems Analyst

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