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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pope Benedict XVI To Resign

Citing his advanced age and declining health, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will step down from the papacy on the last day of February, marking the first time since 1415 that a pope has resigned from the job. What do you think?

  • “Benedict has made a mockery of our proud tradition of watching popes slowly shrivel away and descend into senility!”

    Thomas Corbin Systems Analyst
  • “Will he be going back to his old name now? I need to know how to address this card.”

    Mark Ebersole Wheat Cleaner
  • “I hope they pick someone cool to replace him. That guy’s a square.”

    Prudence Bannen Master Electrician

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