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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Pope Benedict XVI To Resign

Citing his advanced age and declining health, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will step down from the papacy on the last day of February, marking the first time since 1415 that a pope has resigned from the job. What do you think?

  • “Benedict has made a mockery of our proud tradition of watching popes slowly shrivel away and descend into senility!”

    Thomas Corbin Systems Analyst
  • “Will he be going back to his old name now? I need to know how to address this card.”

    Mark Ebersole Wheat Cleaner
  • “I hope they pick someone cool to replace him. That guy’s a square.”

    Prudence Bannen Master Electrician

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