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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

Pope Benedict XVI concluded his trip to the United States by celebrating Sunday Mass at New York's Yankee Stadium. What do you think?
  • "I thought his homily delivery got a little erratic late. Girardi should have yanked him during the liturgy of the Eucharist."

    Carl Hamper Lighting Designer
  • "See? I thought that was a particularly slow, rigid, unbending game."

    Beth Aiken Industrial Electrician
  • "I was there and it was historic and everything, but come on, $7.50 for a puny wafer and 11 bucks for a sip of wine? I could've stayed home and watched the Holy Communion on TV for free."

    Ben Carroll Window Decorator
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