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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Pope Denounces Celibacy-Protesting Priests

Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against a group of priests that has called for ordaining women and ending celibacy for the clergy. What do you think?

  • "I agree with him. A church that isn't archaic, discriminatory, and inflexible just isn't Catholic."

    Kevin Hopper Systems Analyst
  • "Kind of a weird thing to bring up around Easter, but okay."

    Victoria La Marr Unemployed
  • "I think it'd be a nice change of pace to have some female priests. No offense to the male priests, but they can't cook for shit."

    Chet Bartel Mender

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