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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters

During a trip to the Calabria region of Italy, the power base of a global drug trafficking syndicate, Pope Francis announced that all Mafia members are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic Church. What do you think?

  • “Big talk from the guy with the creator of the universe on his side.”

    Christopher Miller Tupperware Rinser
  • “But can the mob guys in movies still act all religious while also killing people? Because I always thought that was a cool dynamic.”

    Kendra DeBlois Systems Analyst
  • “There goes his shot at getting a cool mobster nickname.”

    Roy Arnold Purebred Dog Breeder

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