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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters

During a trip to the Calabria region of Italy, the power base of a global drug trafficking syndicate, Pope Francis announced that all Mafia members are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic Church. What do you think?

  • “Big talk from the guy with the creator of the universe on his side.”

    Christopher Miller Tupperware Rinser
  • “But can the mob guys in movies still act all religious while also killing people? Because I always thought that was a cool dynamic.”

    Kendra DeBlois Systems Analyst
  • “There goes his shot at getting a cool mobster nickname.”

    Roy Arnold Purebred Dog Breeder

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