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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed

During a ceremony at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday in which he baptized 32 children, Pope Francis encouraged mothers in attendance to breastfeed hungry infants in public, saying it was even acceptable in church. What do you think?

  • “Man, this guy would do anything to get people to think he’s reasonable.”

    Gordon Solomon Ornithologist
  • “I hope none of the mothers accidentally bop their baby’s head while making the sign of the cross.”

    Ian Cahoon Masonry Inspector
  • “I’m sorry, but I prefer my churches to be houses of shame.”

    Jonathan Carpenter Flag Designer

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