adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Francis Says He Would Baptize Martians

While delivering a homily earlier this week in which he sought to emphasize the point that everyone has the right to receive the Holy Spirit, Pope Francis said that he would happily baptize Martians if they arrived at the Vatican and asked. What do you think?

  • “Not surprised, considering he canonized St. Worf earlier this month.”

    Reggie Steele Boardwalk Patroller
  • “As someone who hates God, I don’t appreciate how fun this pope is. My day has been ruined once again!”

    Katherine Paul Campground Manager
  • “So this is a big step for the Catholic Church, right?”

    Timothy Myles Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close