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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pope Joins Twitter

The Vatican unveiled Pope Benedict XVI’s personal Twitter account today, @pontifex, and stated that the Catholic leader would begin tweeting in eight languages on Dec. 12. What do you think?

  • “I hope he tweets out a lot of photos of his pope hat.”

    Burt Shankey Bucket Turner
  • “I bet he just wants to exercise more control over American nuns’ hashtags.”

    Judith Pomeroy Embalmer
  • “Wait, if that’s the pope, who the hell is @PopeMan82?”

    Daryl Raikes Systems Analyst

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