Pope Joins Twitter

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Partying

Pope Joins Twitter

The Vatican unveiled Pope Benedict XVI’s personal Twitter account today, @pontifex, and stated that the Catholic leader would begin tweeting in eight languages on Dec. 12. What do you think?

  • “I hope he tweets out a lot of photos of his pope hat.”

    Burt Shankey
    Bucket Turner
  • “I bet he just wants to exercise more control over American nuns’ hashtags.”

    Judith Pomeroy
    Embalmer
  • “Wait, if that’s the pope, who the hell is @PopeMan82?”

    Daryl Raikes
    Systems Analyst
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