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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pope Signals Acceptance Of Gay Priests

Pope Francis said today that he would not judge gay priests so long as they are faithful and have good will, claiming that it is Catholic teaching to treat homosexuals with dignity. What do you think?

  • “Ah shit, another group of people I have to treat with dignity.”

    Fausto Moreno Gasket Attacher
  • “This is not the same Catholic Church I grew up with. This one is slightly different.”

    Paul Eyck Night Court Magistrate
  • “But I can still judge, right?”

    Yvonne Goode Systems Analyst

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