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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory

The Vatican will offer indulgences to believers who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, @pontifex, during next week’s World Youth Day, thereby reducing the amount of time these individuals’ souls spend in purgatory and allowing them to enter heaven faster. What do you think?

  • “Boy, you can get some great deals on Twitter.”

    Sara Hanable Operations Manager
  • “That’s a relief. I have a big week of sinning planned.”

    Ron Castro Circuit Breaker Assembler
  • “Has anyone ever considered staging a doctrinal protest against such notions?”

    Roger Farmer Harpist

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