adBlockCheck

Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory

The Vatican will offer indulgences to believers who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, @pontifex, during next week’s World Youth Day, thereby reducing the amount of time these individuals’ souls spend in purgatory and allowing them to enter heaven faster. What do you think?

  • “Boy, you can get some great deals on Twitter.”

    Sara Hanable Operations Manager
  • “That’s a relief. I have a big week of sinning planned.”

    Ron Castro Circuit Breaker Assembler
  • “Has anyone ever considered staging a doctrinal protest against such notions?”

    Roger Farmer Harpist

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close