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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Population: Six Billion

Last month, the world's population reached the six-billion mark. What do you think of this landmark?
  • "Decades ago, those guys in Zero Population Growth said the planet was critically overpopulated at 3.5 billion. Guess that shows them."

    Bill Cardassian Cab Driver
  • "At least we humans are doing a better job than those ants."

    Carl Turner Podiatrist
  • "Thank God. I was wondering how we were going to staff all those new Old Navys, Targets and Barnes & Nobles."

    Ben Magadan Carpenter
  • "Six billion? And you know where all of them are? In the goddamn checkout line in front of me, that's where."

    Alexander Ormond Systems Analyst
  • "And of those six billion, only 10, maybe 11 tops, are cool."

    Jill Eppard Student
  • "Nothing is more precious than teeming, overpopulated, resource-destroying human life."

    Felicia Mott Bank Teller

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