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Population: Six Billion

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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Population: Six Billion

Last month, the world's population reached the six-billion mark. What do you think of this landmark?
  • "Decades ago, those guys in Zero Population Growth said the planet was critically overpopulated at 3.5 billion. Guess that shows them."

    Bill Cardassian Cab Driver
  • "At least we humans are doing a better job than those ants."

    Carl Turner Podiatrist
  • "Thank God. I was wondering how we were going to staff all those new Old Navys, Targets and Barnes & Nobles."

    Ben Magadan Carpenter
  • "Six billion? And you know where all of them are? In the goddamn checkout line in front of me, that's where."

    Alexander Ormond Systems Analyst
  • "And of those six billion, only 10, maybe 11 tops, are cool."

    Jill Eppard Student
  • "Nothing is more precious than teeming, overpopulated, resource-destroying human life."

    Felicia Mott Bank Teller

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