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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Portable Video Devices

Portable DVD players and multiple-function devices such as Sony's PSP and Nokia's N-Gage are making it possible to watch pre-recorded video anywhere. What do you think?
  • "Just what I need: a way to take my living room with me on the few occasions that I actually leave it."

    Gene Busby Scrap Dealer
  • "At last, Americans can watch TV all day long and still maintain the active and outdoorsy lifestyle they've always theoretically wanted!"

    Hannah Bell Systems Analyst
  • "Now I finally have something to do on the long walk from my parking space to the theater."

    Clay Mannfield Vintner

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