adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

Post Office Nearly Bankrupt

With the U.S. Postal Service in danger of defaulting on a $5.5 billion payment due this month, a bailout will be necessary to ensure the mail is delivered. What do you think?

  • "Listen, I have some thank-you notes I've been putting off. I'm not saying it's gonna solve everything, but I am saying I'm willing to do what I can."

    Tina Farisi Systems Analyst
  • "I guess I'd be okay with UPS delivering my mail. Of course, I'd have to take off time from work to be home to sign for it."

    Rich de Souza Cable Supervisor
  • "They'd better solve this quick—October is gourmet-popcorn-catalog season!"

    Corey Brooke Tone Regulator

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close