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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Postal Rate Increase Denied

Postal regulators have rejected a proposal to increase stamp prices faster than the rate of inflation, blaming a flawed business model for the Post Office’s financial troubles. What do you think?

  • "They do have a terrible business model. They should go into landscaping instead."

    Lucy Armstead Prison Guard
  • "Raising the price of stamps? Not again! Lousy government! Wait, postal regulators stopped the price increase? Damn bureaucrats! Lousy government!"

    Alex Wash Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know where I could have found that extra 6 cents a year I might have spent mailing letters. Oh, here's some change on the ground. A QUARTER! WOW!"

    Kevin Rhodes Unemployed
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