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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Postal Rates Increase

The price of a stamp went up to 41 cents yesterday. What do you think?
  • "Damn it, what did they do with the 68 cents I gave them for postage last year?"

    David Bachman Carpenter
  • "I'll just have to be that much more selective this year about who receives my annual Christmas newsletter."

    Carla Weisser DVD Rental Clerk
  • "Between the postage increase and the high price of whale oil, it's getting harder and harder to live in the year 1893."

    Alec Pufall Congressional Page
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