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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. What do you think?

  • "In that case, I might as well defrost all that sperm I’ve been banking for my future widow and use it now."

    Jordan Geter Lightning-Rod Erector
  • "I thought it in poor taste that Justice Scalia pointed out that they're not eligible for fatherly love either.”

    Denise Stumpf Ocularist
  • “I agree with the decision. Finding the right woman to raise a family with is hard enough as it is. If you let dead guys into the mix, I don’t have a chance.”

    Scott Hare Unemployed

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