Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

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Vol 48 Issue 21

$lapping $trangers

MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to win $300.

Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks.

Friends Of Friends

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time.

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Race Relations

Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. What do you think?

  • "In that case, I might as well defrost all that sperm I’ve been banking for my future widow and use it now."

    Jordan Geter
    Lightning-Rod Erector
  • "I thought it in poor taste that Justice Scalia pointed out that they're not eligible for fatherly love either.”

    Denise Stumpf
    Ocularist
  • “I agree with the decision. Finding the right woman to raise a family with is hard enough as it is. If you let dead guys into the mix, I don’t have a chance.”

    Scott Hare
    Unemployed
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