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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. What do you think?

  • "In that case, I might as well defrost all that sperm I’ve been banking for my future widow and use it now."

    Jordan Geter Lightning-Rod Erector
  • "I thought it in poor taste that Justice Scalia pointed out that they're not eligible for fatherly love either.”

    Denise Stumpf Ocularist
  • “I agree with the decision. Finding the right woman to raise a family with is hard enough as it is. If you let dead guys into the mix, I don’t have a chance.”

    Scott Hare Unemployed

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