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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted

A recent Swiss survey reveals that that teenagers who smoke marijuana function better than those who also use tobacco. What do you think?
  • "I think it's because pot smoking teaches kids to slow down and take stock of what's really important in life: sandwiches."

    Terry Gerdes Lathe Operator
  • "What about those teenagers who aren't musicians, painters, and deadbeats? How well do they function?"

    Alice Muldowney Customs Official
  • "Is this some kind of trick to make kids think that pot isn't cool?"

    Ivan Chernikoff Metal Furniture Restorer

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