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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites

A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you think?
  • "I should hope they do. I didn't put the Zoolander quote generator application on my profile for nothing."

    Cara Blumenthal Systems Analyst
  • "Then I should probably remove 'embezzling' from my list of favorite activities."

    Jason Shapiro Accountant
  • "That's fine, but what if you are trying to hire someone under 14?"

    Jake Appelbaum Clothing Store Manager
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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