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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High

In 2010, the number of Americans living in poverty reached nearly one in six, the highest rate since 1993. What do you think?

  • "One in six? Oh my god, that means I probably know someone who's poor."

    Jessie Carter Park Naturalist
  • "Well, maybe if waitresses in this country could learn what a whistle and finger-snap mean, then maybe they’d have a little extra pocket money."

    Nick Mitchell Environmental Engineer
  • "But look at our standards of living. In 1993, not even a king would have been able to enjoy a vodka with Red Bull."

    Jon Rist Unemployed

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