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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High

In 2010, the number of Americans living in poverty reached nearly one in six, the highest rate since 1993. What do you think?

  • "One in six? Oh my god, that means I probably know someone who's poor."

    Jessie Carter Park Naturalist
  • "Well, maybe if waitresses in this country could learn what a whistle and finger-snap mean, then maybe they’d have a little extra pocket money."

    Nick Mitchell Environmental Engineer
  • "But look at our standards of living. In 1993, not even a king would have been able to enjoy a vodka with Red Bull."

    Jon Rist Unemployed

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