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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Poverty Rate Jumps

The U.S. Census Bureau found that during 2009 the number of Americans living in poverty increased from 39.8 million to 43.6 million. What do you think?

  • "Yeah, that seems about right. Over the past year, I guess there have been a few hundred thousand more street people that I have to pretend not to notice on my walk to work."

    Rick McKenzie Account Executive
  • "I'm shocked. I thought poverty was something that happened to other countries that systematically obliterated their middle class, but not us."

    Annie Watson Nib Adjuster
  • "Quick, print another 4.8 million copies of Atlas Shrugged."

    Michael Stapleton Reactor Operator

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