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Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight’s drawing, as the multistate lottery game’s jackpot has swelled to a record half billion dollars. What do you think?

  • “I’ll stick with Pick 3. These six-number games confuse the hell out of me.”

    Dan Kitson Barley Steeper
  • “Yeah, but when you go for the lump sum, it’s only about 200 bucks.”

    Vicky Bifano Systems Analyst
  • “Word on the street is that a five may be drawn. Don’t tell nobody.”

    Graham Dolby Cemetery Superintendent

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