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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight’s drawing, as the multistate lottery game’s jackpot has swelled to a record half billion dollars. What do you think?

  • “I’ll stick with Pick 3. These six-number games confuse the hell out of me.”

    Dan Kitson Barley Steeper
  • “Yeah, but when you go for the lump sum, it’s only about 200 bucks.”

    Vicky Bifano Systems Analyst
  • “Word on the street is that a five may be drawn. Don’t tell nobody.”

    Graham Dolby Cemetery Superintendent

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