Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight’s drawing, as the multistate lottery game’s jackpot has swelled to a record half billion dollars. What do you think?

  • “I’ll stick with Pick 3. These six-number games confuse the hell out of me.”

    Dan Kitson
    Barley Steeper
  • “Yeah, but when you go for the lump sum, it’s only about 200 bucks.”

    Vicky Bifano
    Systems Analyst
  • “Word on the street is that a five may be drawn. Don’t tell nobody.”

    Graham Dolby
    Cemetery Superintendent
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