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DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Pre-Millennium Tension

With less than a year to go before the dawn of a new millennium, doomsayers are predicting everything from a global computer collapse to Armageddon. What do you think about the growing Y2K anxiety?
  • "You mean, in less than a year, the damned will be carried off to the sulfurous pits of hell by hideous, moth-winged reptiles straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch triptych? Cool."

    Jennifer Voss Teacher
  • "Technically, since Christ was actually born in 4 B.C., the millennium has already begun, and it is now 2003. So any self-respecting Y2K freak would have immolated himself back in '96."

    Ted McGlothlin Systems Analyst
  • "All I know is, I'm gonna be so hung over on Jan. 1, 2000, I'm not even gonna give a shit if the rivers run red with blood."

    Fred Davalillo Custodian
  • "In the next millennium, there will no longer be prejudice against gays. There will be space-prejudice against space-gays."

    Joan Egan School Psychologist
  • "Pre-millennial tension, huh? Whenever my wife gets that, she bloats up like a big sow."

    Ronald Chance Sales Consultant
  • "In preparation for the coming Apocalypse, I went out and bought a waterbed, which should hold about 300 gallons of vanilla pudding."

    Eugene Amaro Rental Agent
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