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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?
  • "Football players need to learn to rely on their skills as athletes, not on the aid of omnipotent deities."

    Patrice Thomas Student
  • "So these people want to pray? Before a football game? In Texas? Hmm... something here just doesn't add up."

    Jeanette Loesser Telemarketer
  • "But what if both teams pray to God for help? That's just putting the Lord in a really awkward position, if you ask me."

    Kevin Whittaker Electrician
  • "I think it's fine, as long as it's Christian prayers. Anything else is un-American."

    Victor Davis Systems Analyst
  • "Jesus will lead the Fitchburg Spartans to victory, just as surely as He made me not gay."

    Omar Tulin File Clerk
  • "Before all of my son's football games, I say a little prayer that he won't fuck up and that I won't have to beat him for it lat

    Andre Simmons Banker

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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