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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?
  • "Football players need to learn to rely on their skills as athletes, not on the aid of omnipotent deities."

    Patrice Thomas Student
  • "So these people want to pray? Before a football game? In Texas? Hmm... something here just doesn't add up."

    Jeanette Loesser Telemarketer
  • "But what if both teams pray to God for help? That's just putting the Lord in a really awkward position, if you ask me."

    Kevin Whittaker Electrician
  • "I think it's fine, as long as it's Christian prayers. Anything else is un-American."

    Victor Davis Systems Analyst
  • "Jesus will lead the Fitchburg Spartans to victory, just as surely as He made me not gay."

    Omar Tulin File Clerk
  • "Before all of my son's football games, I say a little prayer that he won't fuck up and that I won't have to beat him for it lat

    Andre Simmons Banker

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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