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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?
  • "My fiancée and I go through premarital counseling all the time. We call it, 'Scream At The No-Good Baby That Ruined Our Lives.'"

    Felicia Koonce Systems Analyst
  • "What are the counselors gonna say? 'Don't throw the best years of your life away on some broad that's bangin' your brother while you're busting your hump all day at Carpetland'? 'Cause that's what they should say."

    Tyler Grieg Chiropractor
  • "Screw premarital counseling. What my future wife needs is blow-job counseling. I mean, she's stroking too slow and scraping her teeth way too much."

    Ryan Sturbridge School Psychologist
  • "Everything I needed to know about marriage I learned from the Georgia Satellites."

    Nevin Vance Bartender
  • "I think premarital counseling is crucial. We had ours at Macy's, and without it we never would have picked out the Lenox Old English pattern china."

    Donna Moreland Sculptor
  • "If I had only gotten the proper pre-burger counseling last Tuesday, maybe I wouldn't have put on all that extra mayo."

    Tim Brundage Chemical Engineer

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