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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?
  • "My fiancée and I go through premarital counseling all the time. We call it, 'Scream At The No-Good Baby That Ruined Our Lives.'"

    Felicia Koonce Systems Analyst
  • "What are the counselors gonna say? 'Don't throw the best years of your life away on some broad that's bangin' your brother while you're busting your hump all day at Carpetland'? 'Cause that's what they should say."

    Tyler Grieg Chiropractor
  • "Screw premarital counseling. What my future wife needs is blow-job counseling. I mean, she's stroking too slow and scraping her teeth way too much."

    Ryan Sturbridge School Psychologist
  • "Everything I needed to know about marriage I learned from the Georgia Satellites."

    Nevin Vance Bartender
  • "I think premarital counseling is crucial. We had ours at Macy's, and without it we never would have picked out the Lenox Old English pattern china."

    Donna Moreland Sculptor
  • "If I had only gotten the proper pre-burger counseling last Tuesday, maybe I wouldn't have put on all that extra mayo."

    Tim Brundage Chemical Engineer

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