Premarital Counseling

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
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Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?
  • "My fiancée and I go through premarital counseling all the time. We call it, 'Scream At The No-Good Baby That Ruined Our Lives.'"

    Felicia Koonce Systems Analyst
  • "What are the counselors gonna say? 'Don't throw the best years of your life away on some broad that's bangin' your brother while you're busting your hump all day at Carpetland'? 'Cause that's what they should say."

    Tyler Grieg Chiropractor
  • "Screw premarital counseling. What my future wife needs is blow-job counseling. I mean, she's stroking too slow and scraping her teeth way too much."

    Ryan Sturbridge School Psychologist
  • "Everything I needed to know about marriage I learned from the Georgia Satellites."

    Nevin Vance Bartender
  • "I think premarital counseling is crucial. We had ours at Macy's, and without it we never would have picked out the Lenox Old English pattern china."

    Donna Moreland Sculptor
  • "If I had only gotten the proper pre-burger counseling last Tuesday, maybe I wouldn't have put on all that extra mayo."

    Tim Brundage Chemical Engineer


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