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Prescription-Drug Prices

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
  • "Actually, that's not entirely true: Kessler's Drugs is having a big sale on Tetracycline this week. There's a coupon in the Sunday Shopper."

    Lorraine Kiel
    Homemaker
  • "I blame women for the high prices. They're always needing some fancy pill for their box or for lumps in the rack or something."

    Keith Fowler
    Cab Driver
  • "As the CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm, I can assure you that those high prices are necessary to cover the extraordinary cost of membership dues and green fees."

    Walter Moore
    Pharmaceutical CEO
  • "I think what's getting lost in this whole debate is this: Taking drugs is wrong."

    Liz Putnam
    Librarian
  • “That reminds me: Do you have $217 I can borrow? I don’t have insurance, and I need something to stop all this ocular bleeding.”

    Rajeev Gopindar
    Cashier
  • "Maybe it's good that I can't afford anti- psychotic medication. It frees me up to plan the assassination of Deputy Dawg."

    Bob Sharperson
    Systems Analyst

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