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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
  • "Actually, that's not entirely true: Kessler's Drugs is having a big sale on Tetracycline this week. There's a coupon in the Sunday Shopper."

    Lorraine Kiel Homemaker
  • "I blame women for the high prices. They're always needing some fancy pill for their box or for lumps in the rack or something."

    Keith Fowler Cab Driver
  • "As the CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm, I can assure you that those high prices are necessary to cover the extraordinary cost of membership dues and green fees."

    Walter Moore Pharmaceutical CEO
  • "I think what's getting lost in this whole debate is this: Taking drugs is wrong."

    Liz Putnam Librarian
  • “That reminds me: Do you have $217 I can borrow? I don’t have insurance, and I need something to stop all this ocular bleeding.”

    Rajeev Gopindar Cashier
  • "Maybe it's good that I can't afford anti- psychotic medication. It frees me up to plan the assassination of Deputy Dawg."

    Bob Sharperson Systems Analyst

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