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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
  • "Actually, that's not entirely true: Kessler's Drugs is having a big sale on Tetracycline this week. There's a coupon in the Sunday Shopper."

    Lorraine Kiel Homemaker
  • "I blame women for the high prices. They're always needing some fancy pill for their box or for lumps in the rack or something."

    Keith Fowler Cab Driver
  • "As the CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm, I can assure you that those high prices are necessary to cover the extraordinary cost of membership dues and green fees."

    Walter Moore Pharmaceutical CEO
  • "I think what's getting lost in this whole debate is this: Taking drugs is wrong."

    Liz Putnam Librarian
  • “That reminds me: Do you have $217 I can borrow? I don’t have insurance, and I need something to stop all this ocular bleeding.”

    Rajeev Gopindar Cashier
  • "Maybe it's good that I can't afford anti- psychotic medication. It frees me up to plan the assassination of Deputy Dawg."

    Bob Sharperson Systems Analyst

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