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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 to 2008. What do you think?

  • "I broke a lot of men's hearts in the mid-2000s."

    Gwenn Furnier Systems Analyst
  • "Not in my household. Here, you take too many opioid painkillers, you lie there until you've learned your lesson."

    Rebecca Buxton Kiln Loader
  • "Used to be you only went to the emergency room after being in a motorcycle accident."

    William Bruce Lens Polisher

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