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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 to 2008. What do you think?

  • "I broke a lot of men's hearts in the mid-2000s."

    Gwenn Furnier Systems Analyst
  • "Not in my household. Here, you take too many opioid painkillers, you lie there until you've learned your lesson."

    Rebecca Buxton Kiln Loader
  • "Used to be you only went to the emergency room after being in a motorcycle accident."

    William Bruce Lens Polisher
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