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President Signs Controversial Defense Bill

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Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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President Signs Controversial Defense Bill

Despite having fought against many of its provisions, President Obama signed a defense appropriations bill that allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely. What do you think?

  • "I don't see why this even matters. Why would we need to detain American citizens indefinitely when we already have the authority to shoot missiles at them from drones?"

    Frank Mikulak Hand Nailer
  • "Yes, but to be fair, he gave up because it was easier."

    Amanda Watson Plumbing Drafter
  • “I wonder what all those guys Obama beat out for the Nobel Peace Prize are doing now."

    Sean Almeida Uptwister Tender

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