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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator

Following a successful petition started by three teenage girls from New Jersey, CNN’s chief political correspondent Candy Crowley has been chosen to moderate the Oct. 16 presidential debate, marking the first time in 20 years a woman has been selected for the task. What do you think?

  • "And I thought this election couldn’t get any sexier!”

    Cory Kontonickas Receptionist
  • “I never thought I’d see the day when a woman would ask a couple of men a bunch of questions.”

    Liz Capra Worm Picker
  • “All right, women can have this, but they should have to give back one of their other achievements.”

    Richard Wolfert Hand-Tools Repairer

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