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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator

Following a successful petition started by three teenage girls from New Jersey, CNN’s chief political correspondent Candy Crowley has been chosen to moderate the Oct. 16 presidential debate, marking the first time in 20 years a woman has been selected for the task. What do you think?

  • "And I thought this election couldn’t get any sexier!”

    Cory Kontonickas Receptionist
  • “I never thought I’d see the day when a woman would ask a couple of men a bunch of questions.”

    Liz Capra Worm Picker
  • “All right, women can have this, but they should have to give back one of their other achievements.”

    Richard Wolfert Hand-Tools Repairer

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