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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator

Following a successful petition started by three teenage girls from New Jersey, CNN’s chief political correspondent Candy Crowley has been chosen to moderate the Oct. 16 presidential debate, marking the first time in 20 years a woman has been selected for the task. What do you think?

  • "And I thought this election couldn’t get any sexier!”

    Cory Kontonickas Receptionist
  • “I never thought I’d see the day when a woman would ask a couple of men a bunch of questions.”

    Liz Capra Worm Picker
  • “All right, women can have this, but they should have to give back one of their other achievements.”

    Richard Wolfert Hand-Tools Repairer

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