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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Presidential Mental Disability

In the wake of a report that Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's condition may have begun while he was still in office, many are calling for a transfer-of-power provision in case an acting president develops a mental disability. What do you think?
  • "It's unfair to oust a president just because he needs a little help with decision-making, speechwriting and wiping."

    Ron Nicosia Locksmith
  • "I won't have you saying these things about Reagan. So what if he wet the bed, threw his mashed squash around the Oval Office, and cried all the time? He made this country great again."

    Ira Rollo Construction Worker
  • "If a president is forced to step down due to a mental disability, he should at least be given the honorary position of Secretary Of Friends & Smiles."

    Stephanie Bullitt Special Ed Teacher
  • "If nothing happens to the president's face, and he can still smile for pictures, there's no reason to get rid of him."

    Sam Reyes Systems Analyst
  • "All I know is, the U.S. was in good hands after President Wilson suffered a stroke: His Icebox-Tossing Act of 1921, which required every American to toss his icebox out his living-room window every Wednesday, was a landmark statute."

    Mia Christiansen Graduate Student
  • "I think a president's decisions should be respected no matter what his mental state. Unless he does something insane, like approve legislation increasing federal highway taxes three percent to create a $4.1 billion fund to repair America's crumbling infr

    Geoff Hurley Museum Curator

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