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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Presidential Mental Disability

In the wake of a report that Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's condition may have begun while he was still in office, many are calling for a transfer-of-power provision in case an acting president develops a mental disability. What do you think?
  • "It's unfair to oust a president just because he needs a little help with decision-making, speechwriting and wiping."

    Ron Nicosia Locksmith
  • "I won't have you saying these things about Reagan. So what if he wet the bed, threw his mashed squash around the Oval Office, and cried all the time? He made this country great again."

    Ira Rollo Construction Worker
  • "If a president is forced to step down due to a mental disability, he should at least be given the honorary position of Secretary Of Friends & Smiles."

    Stephanie Bullitt Special Ed Teacher
  • "If nothing happens to the president's face, and he can still smile for pictures, there's no reason to get rid of him."

    Sam Reyes Systems Analyst
  • "All I know is, the U.S. was in good hands after President Wilson suffered a stroke: His Icebox-Tossing Act of 1921, which required every American to toss his icebox out his living-room window every Wednesday, was a landmark statute."

    Mia Christiansen Graduate Student
  • "I think a president's decisions should be respected no matter what his mental state. Unless he does something insane, like approve legislation increasing federal highway taxes three percent to create a $4.1 billion fund to repair America's crumbling infr

    Geoff Hurley Museum Curator

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