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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Presidential Pay Hike

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year, effective January 2001. What do you think?
  • "I think it's a bad idea. We want our presidents to be motivated by a lust for power, not money."

    Maxine Banks Museum Guide
  • "What? A raise? For the president? No! Now get out of my office!"

    Ralph Payne Technical Writer
  • "The president should get raises like everyone else: a 35-cent increase after every 16-month period, depending on a good performance review."

    Bart Cordova Lab Assistant
  • "Doubling the president's salary? Sounds risky. That kind of money could corrupt a man."

    Debbie Raiford Physical Therapist
  • "If the job only pays $200,000, a lot of qualified candidates might opt to take a job that pays more money. Like, for example, owning a county-wide chain of gourmet-popcorn shops."

    Steve Coburn Systems Analyst
  • "I refuse to be president for anything less than 800 grand. Take it or leave it. It's your loss, America."

    Patrick Hilleary Groundskeeper

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