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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do you think?
  • “Does this mean the press will be able to see alive soldiers returning to America sometime soon?”

    Helen Steuben Willow Worker
  • “Well, I guess this makes pictures of the unemployed slightly less depressing.”

    Paul Sabers Mechanical Engineer
  • "I’m glad they’re doing it, but it’s a shame that the question-and-answer part didn't go so hot."

    Tony Koch Systems Analyst

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