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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do you think?
  • “Does this mean the press will be able to see alive soldiers returning to America sometime soon?”

    Helen Steuben Willow Worker
  • “Well, I guess this makes pictures of the unemployed slightly less depressing.”

    Paul Sabers Mechanical Engineer
  • "I’m glad they’re doing it, but it’s a shame that the question-and-answer part didn't go so hot."

    Tony Koch Systems Analyst

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