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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200

The classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice, which follows the courtship of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in 19th-century English high society, turned 200 years old yesterday and was marked with theatrical performances, readings, and other celebrations. What do you think?

  • “No kidding. I’m hungover as shit.”

    Ralph Amos Ethyl Blender
  • “I’m going to read that as soon as I’m done with Kill Shot by Vince Flynn.”

    Rob Babbs Unemployed
  • “That’s nothing. The Bible is over a million years old and it’s got all sorts of magic and goblins in it.”

    Maria Swain Crossbow Maker

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