adBlockCheck

Prince William Engaged

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Prince William Engaged

The engagement of Prince William to his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton was announced Tuesday. What do you think?

  • "Young man dressed like Thurston Howell III, check. Young woman with a slightly horsey build, check. Obscenely expensive ring from the monarchy's private collection, check. Yep, looks like a British royal engagement to me."

    Tom Carthy Medical Social Worker
  • "People are probably jumping all over her about being after the family's money, but she's been with him for eight years. I don't see why she shouldn't be promoted."

    Perry Ireland Electric Assembler
  • "She knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal, right?"

    Marianne Rizzo Senior Solution Architect

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close