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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?
  • "Even now, I can still recall where I was the night I heard the news: down at Ed's Tavern, cracking jokes about it with the guys."

    Jeffrey McBride Drill-Press Operator
  • "If only there were some sort of item I could buy to commemorate the milestone."

    Kathryn Schmidt Florist
  • "I just hope all the worms and bacteria that are feeding off her decomposing corpse understand how truly special she was."

    Patricia Boone Social Worker
  • "On behalf of the landmine industry, I say good riddance."

    Rich McGraw Landmine Manufacturer
  • "Princess Di was that rarest of creatures–a royal I would do."

    Jonathan Bowa Systems Analyst
  • "Di's death is a collective memory that will never be erased from our shared consciousness, not unlike that song from the Slinky commercial."

    Evan Carlton Travel Agent
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