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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?
  • "Even now, I can still recall where I was the night I heard the news: down at Ed's Tavern, cracking jokes about it with the guys."

    Jeffrey McBride Drill-Press Operator
  • "If only there were some sort of item I could buy to commemorate the milestone."

    Kathryn Schmidt Florist
  • "I just hope all the worms and bacteria that are feeding off her decomposing corpse understand how truly special she was."

    Patricia Boone Social Worker
  • "On behalf of the landmine industry, I say good riddance."

    Rich McGraw Landmine Manufacturer
  • "Princess Di was that rarest of creatures–a royal I would do."

    Jonathan Bowa Systems Analyst
  • "Di's death is a collective memory that will never be erased from our shared consciousness, not unlike that song from the Slinky commercial."

    Evan Carlton Travel Agent

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