Princess Di One Year Later

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?
  • "Even now, I can still recall where I was the night I heard the news: down at Ed's Tavern, cracking jokes about it with the guys."

    Jeffrey McBride
    Drill-Press Operator
  • "If only there were some sort of item I could buy to commemorate the milestone."

    Kathryn Schmidt
    Florist
  • "I just hope all the worms and bacteria that are feeding off her decomposing corpse understand how truly special she was."

    Patricia Boone
    Social Worker
  • "On behalf of the landmine industry, I say good riddance."

    Rich McGraw
    Landmine Manufacturer
  • "Princess Di was that rarest of creatures–a royal I would do."

    Jonathan Bowa
    Systems Analyst
  • "Di's death is a collective memory that will never be erased from our shared consciousness, not unlike that song from the Slinky commercial."

    Evan Carlton
    Travel Agent