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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?
  • "I guess I'm not that worried about religious fundamentalists in our jails because they're in our jails."

    Kevin Barker Small Appliance Repairman
  • "That makes sense. Those big religious books are often hollowed out by prisoners to conceal smaller banned books."

    Tom Connelly Fundraiser
  • "Now I'll have to wait eight to 10 years to find out what happened to Jesus."

    Taffy Reiflin Convict

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