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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?
  • "I guess I'm not that worried about religious fundamentalists in our jails because they're in our jails."

    Kevin Barker Small Appliance Repairman
  • "That makes sense. Those big religious books are often hollowed out by prisoners to conceal smaller banned books."

    Tom Connelly Fundraiser
  • "Now I'll have to wait eight to 10 years to find out what happened to Jesus."

    Taffy Reiflin Convict

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