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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?
  • "I guess I'm not that worried about religious fundamentalists in our jails because they're in our jails."

    Kevin Barker Small Appliance Repairman
  • "That makes sense. Those big religious books are often hollowed out by prisoners to conceal smaller banned books."

    Tom Connelly Fundraiser
  • "Now I'll have to wait eight to 10 years to find out what happened to Jesus."

    Taffy Reiflin Convict

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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