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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?
  • "I guess I'm not that worried about religious fundamentalists in our jails because they're in our jails."

    Kevin Barker Small Appliance Repairman
  • "That makes sense. Those big religious books are often hollowed out by prisoners to conceal smaller banned books."

    Tom Connelly Fundraiser
  • "Now I'll have to wait eight to 10 years to find out what happened to Jesus."

    Taffy Reiflin Convict

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