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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?
  • "If they develop a private space-travel vehicle, it'd better have some decent space-wireless access for my space-business-traveler needs."

    Michael Ellis Systems Analyst
  • "There's already a flag on the moon, right? Might as well put a Wal-Mart behind that one, too."

    Wayne Kupstis Landscaper
  • "Is this part of that Bush Mars plan that he mentioned, like, once?"

    Richard Gettier Waiter
  • "I suppose the flight is ushering in a new era of some sort that could change the way we view space travel, I guess."

    LeeAnn Misek Writer
  • "I can hear the radio transmission now. 'Outback Steakhouse, your place for steaks and family fun, we have a problem.'"

    Chad Devore Pharmacist
  • "Hey, any idea that involves blasting the wealthiest .01 percent of the population into the cold, lifeless vacuum of space is all right by me."

    Maryann Lahr Business Owner

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