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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?
  • "If they develop a private space-travel vehicle, it'd better have some decent space-wireless access for my space-business-traveler needs."

    Michael Ellis Systems Analyst
  • "There's already a flag on the moon, right? Might as well put a Wal-Mart behind that one, too."

    Wayne Kupstis Landscaper
  • "Is this part of that Bush Mars plan that he mentioned, like, once?"

    Richard Gettier Waiter
  • "I suppose the flight is ushering in a new era of some sort that could change the way we view space travel, I guess."

    LeeAnn Misek Writer
  • "I can hear the radio transmission now. 'Outback Steakhouse, your place for steaks and family fun, we have a problem.'"

    Chad Devore Pharmacist
  • "Hey, any idea that involves blasting the wealthiest .01 percent of the population into the cold, lifeless vacuum of space is all right by me."

    Maryann Lahr Business Owner
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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