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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?
  • "If they develop a private space-travel vehicle, it'd better have some decent space-wireless access for my space-business-traveler needs."

    Michael Ellis Systems Analyst
  • "There's already a flag on the moon, right? Might as well put a Wal-Mart behind that one, too."

    Wayne Kupstis Landscaper
  • "Is this part of that Bush Mars plan that he mentioned, like, once?"

    Richard Gettier Waiter
  • "I suppose the flight is ushering in a new era of some sort that could change the way we view space travel, I guess."

    LeeAnn Misek Writer
  • "I can hear the radio transmission now. 'Outback Steakhouse, your place for steaks and family fun, we have a problem.'"

    Chad Devore Pharmacist
  • "Hey, any idea that involves blasting the wealthiest .01 percent of the population into the cold, lifeless vacuum of space is all right by me."

    Maryann Lahr Business Owner

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