Professional Porn Sales Down

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Professional Porn Sales Down

Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think?
  • "These thrifty Internet porn enthusiasts are missing out on the lifelong friends you make at adult shops."

    Robin Petersen
    Database Adminsitrator
  • "That's the problem with the porn biz. No matter how low your price is for having an entire billiard-ball set shoved up your ass, there's always some punk waiting in the wings willing to do it for free."

    Simon Stephens
    Florist
  • "Yeah, that's my fault. Sorry."

    Elizabeth Whaley
    Labor Mediator