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Prosecuting Pinochet

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?
  • "Holding a dictator responsible for his brutal regime's acts of torture and genocide? Are we really sure we want to set that kind of precedent?"

    Renee Bumbry Civil Engineer
  • "Pinochet is an inhuman monster who deserves the worst punishment possible–commissioning Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a hit musical about his life."

    Patrick Fuller Teacher
  • "I say let Pinochet free. After his harrowing ordeal inside the belly of Monstro The Whale, I think we can all agree he has suffered enough."

    Michael Hood Cashier
  • "Hey, we all go through a torturing-thousands-of-innocents phase at some point in our lives."

    Joshua Alexander Custodian
  • "The British kicked me out of the country once when I broke a bunch of royal shit."

    Lawrence Grich Sales Associate
  • "Boy, those crazy Mexican countries sure have their problems, don't they?"

    Jackie Oliver Systems Analyst

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