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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?
  • "Holding a dictator responsible for his brutal regime's acts of torture and genocide? Are we really sure we want to set that kind of precedent?"

    Renee Bumbry Civil Engineer
  • "Pinochet is an inhuman monster who deserves the worst punishment possible–commissioning Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a hit musical about his life."

    Patrick Fuller Teacher
  • "I say let Pinochet free. After his harrowing ordeal inside the belly of Monstro The Whale, I think we can all agree he has suffered enough."

    Michael Hood Cashier
  • "Hey, we all go through a torturing-thousands-of-innocents phase at some point in our lives."

    Joshua Alexander Custodian
  • "The British kicked me out of the country once when I broke a bunch of royal shit."

    Lawrence Grich Sales Associate
  • "Boy, those crazy Mexican countries sure have their problems, don't they?"

    Jackie Oliver Systems Analyst

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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