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Protecting The Police

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?
  • "I feel bad for the cops. From now on, I'm going to let them beat me a little harder."

    Jerry Osgood Building Contractor
  • "In preparation for an armed assault by a police officer, I reinforced my ass with a baking sheet."

    Warren Browder Science Teacher
  • "We need to protect our nation's law enforcement officials at any cost. Except those fucking meter maids—let the bitches fry."

    Hugh Kulwicki Chef
  • "Any police officer who's in trouble should just call 911."

    Dana Bern Orthodontist
  • "I think our police officers would be safer if they didn't wander around such bad neighborhoods at all hours of the night."

    Linda Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "The only way policemen can be saved is if they accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior."

    Bill Reuschel Computer Programmer

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