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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?
  • "I feel bad for the cops. From now on, I'm going to let them beat me a little harder."

    Jerry Osgood Building Contractor
  • "In preparation for an armed assault by a police officer, I reinforced my ass with a baking sheet."

    Warren Browder Science Teacher
  • "We need to protect our nation's law enforcement officials at any cost. Except those fucking meter maids—let the bitches fry."

    Hugh Kulwicki Chef
  • "Any police officer who's in trouble should just call 911."

    Dana Bern Orthodontist
  • "I think our police officers would be safer if they didn't wander around such bad neighborhoods at all hours of the night."

    Linda Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "The only way policemen can be saved is if they accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior."

    Bill Reuschel Computer Programmer
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