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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Protestants Becoming Minorities

Since the 1980s, the percentage of Americans who identify themselves as Protestant has dropped from two-thirds to just 51 percent. What do you think?
  • "Then I'm really proud of my law firm's commitment to diversity."

    Katla Mirk Attorney at Law
  • "And that 1 percent edge is all I need to be self-righteous and judgmental."

    Bryan Goudiva Systems Analyst
  • "That's because everyone started doing yoga and eating weird beans and stuff."

    Sam Fischer Heating and Cooling Installer

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