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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Protestants Not Majority In U.S. For First Time

According to a new study, the share of Americans identifying as Protestant is less than 50 percent for the first time on record, having fallen from more than two-thirds of the population just 40 years ago. What do you think?

  • “It’s devastating to think that this correlates with a rise in people identifying as ‘spiritual.’”

    Marcel Booth Systems Analyst
  • “It just goes to show you, give us Catholics 500 years and we’ll get the job done.”

    Polly Denaro Clock Polisher
  • “Well, shit, there go our chances for a Protestant president.”

    Graham Symonds Lawn Mower Mechanic

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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